just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The adults are the big ones right?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
