I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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