shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
