you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
