Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize