is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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