How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
