The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
