Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
