When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
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Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
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Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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