It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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