you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
