Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
