You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
