you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There's always time for handjobs
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
