cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
