where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
