why im i the only drunk person in the library?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
