Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
