i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
