thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I AM VODKA MAN
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
