Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if only i could text you this smell
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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