I smell stomach acid.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
