Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize