My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
