Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
