I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
