Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
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I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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