So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
