But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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