I'm so fucking centered right now
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I don't deserve a penis
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
