I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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