I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
