Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
