Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
