no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
