plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
