I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
