so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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