this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
