She said her name was "party"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Randomize
