Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
