I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
