It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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