Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
