Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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