ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She told me I should be a condom model.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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