I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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