Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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