Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
