He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
