Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
did i just pee glitter
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
