So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
