I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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