I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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