I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
