Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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