I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
