in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
