my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
