I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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