Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
