Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
