It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
