i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
